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Vandals Play Really Bad Original Country Tunes

by The Vandals

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1.
Clowns are neato clowns are fun Clowns are loved by everyone Cops n' commies even fags Everybody loves a gag Clowns everywhere are freakin' out In parades they scream n' shout They're sad as hell, and they're singin' the blues Cause no one laughs at their great big shoes Here's some clowns we really love: Bozo, Scoopy, Rusty Nails Here's a clown we really hate: Ronald McDonald ( He's only in it for the burgers ) I saw a clown in the mall today My brother cried and he ran away They get no respect, aren't served in bars No matter how many friends they can fit in their cars The other day I was drivin' around in the clown Mobile with 17 of my friends towin' The ferris wheel in the back and this cop pulls me over and says, "Where ya goin' Bozo?" I said, "I'm not Bozo. I sure wish I was, though. The man's a friggin' genius." Clowns are forced to take jobs across the nation Below the level of their education It's hard as hell to make ends meet With a painted face and gigantic feet Yesterday I was sittin' in a bar havin' a drink and this clown walks in and says, "Bartender, give me a tree fort." The bartender looks at him and says, "What's in a tree fort?" "Playboy books and cigars." Last verse same as the first Acapulco version, ten times worse
2.
04:27
With 800 pounds on 18 wheels After 800 miles you know how it feels To have your rear so numb you gotta poke it To see if it's still there Well it's one more load to one more town Only problem is they're all starting to sound a bit similar Lord knows they all look the same So I got some hot coffee in Furnace Creek Abut the trouble is I was never neat and I spilled it And my map and phonebook were a blur But I had a girl and a job to do Or was that job and a girl to do? I don't know - I had to go and my velvet interior was a soggy mess I think I got a girl named Mary down in Susanville Waitin' for me to come home and make her my wife I know I got a load of somethin' goin' to somewhereville But I can't remember which to save to save my life With a load to Mr. Johnson in Watsoville Or is that a load to Mr. Watson in Johnsonville? Well, anyway, after several days I don't know what or if it mattered Just a load of placer to Cedarville, or a load of cedar to Placerville Or a container full of things up to Diamond Springs for an indoor swapmeet Is that a cargo of hay south to Northfork, Some plastic forks north to Hayfork, Or a bunch of men's nugget watches straight through to Pixley, Or Apple Jacks down to Fall River Mills or honor snacks up to Downieville? Well, the white girls are cute that I've met in Blackbute, But I'll stick to the road and finish my beer and coffee Now I am marrying Jan from Susanville Or am I suing Jane from Mary'sville? Cause if I am I better call Ernie my attorney from Burney Falls Well, all I know is if I recall- She had the longest legs and she was kinda tall And prettier than a catfish With its nose up against the dam Without a girl and some time to kill I ran some baby food to Gerberville And took some airplane parts to Wilbur in Oreville Now that can't be Wright Well it's one more load one more town Only problem is they're all startin' to sound a bit similar Lord knows they all look the same
3.
03:39
A thousand miles of desert- a million tons of sand A few less pounds of woman- a tired broken man A parching thrist that water couldn't quench My desert woman this frontier's only pearl How can I penetrate her lonely desert world? She doesn't need no make up- the sun powders her nose Natural, unshaven from her armpits to her toes A love as empty as a broken neon sign Only thing in common was her Levi's size and mine Now the desert shows no mercy to the timid or the weak So as she left the diner, I climbed into her jeep She did the rest, introduced me to this land Now she's my desert woman and I'm her desert man Like the lone coyote from this land I'll never stray A pound of Sioux peyote couldn't make me feel that way
4.
02:34
Well the eagle's been flyin' slow And the flag's been flyin' low And a lot of people sayin' that America's fixin' to fall Well speakin' just for me And some people from Tennessee We've got a thing or two to tell you all This lady may have stumbled But she ain't never fell And if the Russians don't believe that They can all go straight to hell We're gonna put her feet back On the path of righteousness and then God bless America again [CHORUS] And you never did think That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?) You never did think That we'd ever get together again (We damn sure fooled you) Yeah, we're walkin' real proud And we're talkin' real loud again (In America) You never did think That it ever would happen again From The Sound up in Long Island Out to San Francisco Bay And everything that's in between them is our own And we may have done a little bit Of fightin' amongst ourselves But you outside people best leave us alone 'Cause we'll all stick together And you can take that to the bank That's the cowboys and the hippies And the rebels and the yanks You just go and lay your hand On a Pittsburgh Steelers' fan And I think you're gonna finally understand [CHORUS] And you never did think That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?) You never did think That we'd ever get together again (We damn sure fooled you) Yeah, we're walkin' real proud And we're talkin' real loud again (In America) You never did think That it ever would happen again [Instrumental] [CHORUS] And you never did think That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?) You never did think That we'd ever get together again (We damn sure fooled you) Yeah, we're walkin' real proud And we're talkin' real loud again (In America) You never did think That it ever would happen again
5.
6.
He met her at the Soundcheck, where she was tendin' bar Bodacious ones and ruby lips, a regular movie star Her singin' voice was pleasin', that's how she got her name He wasn't from her neighborhood, but he loved her just the same How he wished he could move to Hollywood How he wished he could move to Hollywood But there's goop all over the phone, and Pleasant all over the bill He'd like to see a lot more of her, cause she gives him such a thrill But he's from down in Long Beach, and she lives in Hollywood Hills So there's goop all over the phone, and Pleasant all over the bill Like a duck after a June bug, he's on that honeybee And every night he phones her hive and they get real sticky He tells her that he loves her, but can only talk awhile Cause the phone gets like a greased up hog and the bill's a country mile [Chorus] Now he went off atourin', 'cause the Vandals gotta play But with every show their love costs more 'cause he gets further away There's only one solution, a phony calling card But he yapped & yapped 'till he got slapped with a serious federal charge [Chorus] Now the judge denied him bail, and he fought back the tears And he thought of Pleasant's beauty as they gave him 20 years He said, "I'll go real peaceful like, I know I broke the law, But I ain't no stoop so gimme the goop 'Cause I still got one phone call." And there's goop all over the phone...
7.
04:10
Alligator skins, crocodile hides, good ol' boys, and their Southern brides City folk come for the lure of the bounty But they don't come back 'cause the sheriff of the country is Buford T. Jefferson Davis III And I'm only here to warn you if you haven't heard about: Gator hides- a sheriff's pride Everglades mirrored shades He's a good ol' boy but he ain't no good He'll bust your head on a stump Just like splittin' wood Got a story of his own though he ain't askin' for pity Saw his folks shot dead for twelve dollars in the city So Buford was orphaned by the city at ten Got a chip on his shoulder the size of Gentle Ben (CHORUS) Hunted 10,000 islands, drank 10,000 beers Wanted 10,000 dollars, got 10,000 years So I drank myself blind, on a homemade solution As my body rots away in a penal institution So if you come for the gators let me give you a clue The shefiff of the county's got it in for you
8.
9.
Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, play that country tuba. Play that country tuba, cowboy. Well musicians' stories have made the rounds about traveling bands in red-neck towns but for tuba players this has got to be a first. This one starts like they all do I'd been traveling hard for a day or two and I stopped into this joint to quench my thirst. Up walked this big mountain man said, "What'cha got there? A garbage can?" and I said, "Excuse me, that's my tuba, if you please." He said "Great play a country song so me and my buddies can sing along" and I told him I only play with symphonies. He slammed his fist and spit out his beer and his body language made it very clear this wasn't going to be just another B-flat day. That's when he cocked his thirty-odd-six and boy, I let out with some country licks I'd never thought I'd hear my tuba play. Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, play that country tuba. play that country tuba, cowboy. Well after a while I ran outta air and I figured I'd better get out of there so I grabbed my horn and headed for the door. Just about then I felt a lasso wrapped around me and my tuba too and they yanked me back and 'ey hollered "More man more!" Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, cowboy. Play that country tuba, play that country tuba. Play that country tuba, cowboy.
10.
02:25
Some people must have. Some people have not. But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain. Some people will work. Some simply will not. But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain. Like this: It’s society’s fault I don’t have a job. It’s society’s fault I am a slob. I have potential no one can see. Give me welfare. Let me be me! Hey, Bud, you’re livin’ in the Land of the Free. No one’s gonna hand you opportunity! Some people must have. Some never will. But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain. I don’t have a house. I don’t have a car. I spend all my money getting’ drunk in a bar. I wanna be rich. I don’t have a brain. Just give me a handout while I complain. Or this: I wanna stay in bed and watch TV. Go out weekends in a limousine And dance all night takin’ lots of drugs And wake up when I wanna. Hey, Bud, you’re livin’ in the Land of the Free. No one’s gonna hand you opportunity! Some people will learn. Some never do. But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain. Yeah, they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.

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released September 24, 2014

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The Vandals Los Angeles, California

**DUE TO COVID-19, ALL ITEMS ARE TAKING LONGER TO BE DELIVERED DO TO THE US MAIL SYSTEM. WE WILL PROCESS ORDERS QUICKLY BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT IF THEY TAKE LONGER THAN NORMAL TO ARRIVE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! **

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