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Vandals Play Really Bad Original Country Tunes

by The Vandals

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02:34
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04:10
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02:25

credits

released September 24, 2014

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Track Name: Clowns Are Experts (At Making Us Laugh)
Clowns are neato clowns are fun
Clowns are loved by everyone
Cops n' commies even fags
Everybody loves a gag
Clowns everywhere are freakin' out
In parades they scream n' shout
They're sad as hell, and they're singin' the blues
Cause no one laughs at their great big shoes
Here's some clowns we really love: Bozo, Scoopy, Rusty Nails
Here's a clown we really hate: Ronald McDonald
( He's only in it for the burgers )
I saw a clown in the mall today
My brother cried and he ran away
They get no respect, aren't served in bars
No matter how many friends they can fit in their cars
The other day I was drivin' around in the clown
Mobile with 17 of my friends towin'
The ferris wheel in the back and this cop pulls me over and says,
"Where ya goin' Bozo?"
I said, "I'm not Bozo. I sure wish I was, though.
The man's a friggin' genius."
Clowns are forced to take jobs across the nation
Below the level of their education
It's hard as hell to make ends meet
With a painted face and gigantic feet
Yesterday I was sittin' in a bar havin' a drink and this clown walks in and says,
"Bartender, give me a tree fort."
The bartender looks at him and says,
"What's in a tree fort?"
"Playboy books and cigars."
Last verse same as the first Acapulco version, ten times worse
Track Name: Susanville
With 800 pounds on 18 wheels
After 800 miles you know how it feels
To have your rear so numb you gotta poke it
To see if it's still there
Well it's one more load to one more town
Only problem is they're all starting to sound a bit similar
Lord knows they all look the same
So I got some hot coffee in Furnace Creek
Abut the trouble is I was never neat and I spilled it
And my map and phonebook were a blur
But I had a girl and a job to do
Or was that job and a girl to do?
I don't know - I had to go and my velvet interior was a soggy mess
I think I got a girl named Mary down in Susanville
Waitin' for me to come home and make her my wife
I know I got a load of somethin' goin' to somewhereville
But I can't remember which to save to save my life
With a load to Mr. Johnson in Watsoville
Or is that a load to Mr. Watson in Johnsonville?
Well, anyway, after several days I don't know what or if it mattered
Just a load of placer to Cedarville, or a load of cedar to Placerville
Or a container full of things up to Diamond Springs for an indoor swapmeet
Is that a cargo of hay south to Northfork, Some plastic forks north to Hayfork,
Or a bunch of men's nugget watches straight through to Pixley,
Or Apple Jacks down to Fall River Mills or honor snacks up to Downieville?
Well, the white girls are cute that I've met in Blackbute,
But I'll stick to the road and finish my beer and coffee
Now I am marrying Jan from Susanville
Or am I suing Jane from Mary'sville?
Cause if I am I better call Ernie my attorney from Burney Falls
Well, all I know is if I recall-
She had the longest legs and she was kinda tall
And prettier than a catfish
With its nose up against the dam
Without a girl and some time to kill I ran some baby food to Gerberville
And took some airplane parts to Wilbur in Oreville
Now that can't be Wright
Well it's one more load one more town
Only problem is they're all startin' to sound a bit similar
Lord knows they all look the same
Track Name: Desert Woman
A thousand miles of desert- a million tons of sand
A few less pounds of woman- a tired broken man
A parching thrist that water couldn't quench
My desert woman this frontier's only pearl
How can I penetrate her lonely desert world?
She doesn't need no make up- the sun powders her nose
Natural, unshaven from her armpits to her toes
A love as empty as a broken neon sign
Only thing in common was her Levi's size and mine
Now the desert shows no mercy to the timid or the weak
So as she left the diner, I climbed into her jeep
She did the rest, introduced me to this land
Now she's my desert woman and I'm her desert man
Like the lone coyote from this land I'll never stray
A pound of Sioux peyote couldn't make me feel that way
Track Name: In America
Well the eagle's been flyin' slow
And the flag's been flyin' low
And a lot of people sayin' that America's fixin' to fall
Well speakin' just for me
And some people from Tennessee
We've got a thing or two to tell you all
This lady may have stumbled
But she ain't never fell
And if the Russians don't believe that
They can all go straight to hell
We're gonna put her feet back
On the path of righteousness and then
God bless America again

[CHORUS]
And you never did think
That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?)
You never did think
That we'd ever get together again
(We damn sure fooled you)
Yeah, we're walkin' real proud
And we're talkin' real loud again (In America)
You never did think
That it ever would happen again

From The Sound up in Long Island
Out to San Francisco Bay
And everything that's in between them is our own
And we may have done a little bit
Of fightin' amongst ourselves
But you outside people best leave us alone
'Cause we'll all stick together
And you can take that to the bank
That's the cowboys and the hippies
And the rebels and the yanks
You just go and lay your hand
On a Pittsburgh Steelers' fan
And I think you're gonna finally understand

[CHORUS]
And you never did think
That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?)
You never did think
That we'd ever get together again
(We damn sure fooled you)
Yeah, we're walkin' real proud
And we're talkin' real loud again (In America)
You never did think
That it ever would happen again

[Instrumental]

[CHORUS]
And you never did think
That it ever would happen again (In America, did you?)
You never did think
That we'd ever get together again
(We damn sure fooled you)
Yeah, we're walkin' real proud
And we're talkin' real loud again (In America)
You never did think
That it ever would happen again
Track Name: Goop All Over The Phone (Pleasant All Over The Bill)
He met her at the Soundcheck, where she was tendin' bar
Bodacious ones and ruby lips, a regular movie star
Her singin' voice was pleasin', that's how she got her name
He wasn't from her neighborhood, but he loved her just the same
How he wished he could move to Hollywood
How he wished he could move to Hollywood

But there's goop all over the phone, and Pleasant all over the bill
He'd like to see a lot more of her, cause she gives him such a thrill
But he's from down in Long Beach, and she lives in Hollywood Hills
So there's goop all over the phone, and Pleasant all over the bill

Like a duck after a June bug, he's on that honeybee
And every night he phones her hive and they get real sticky
He tells her that he loves her, but can only talk awhile
Cause the phone gets like a greased up hog and the bill's a country mile
[Chorus]

Now he went off atourin', 'cause the Vandals gotta play
But with every show their love costs more 'cause he gets further away
There's only one solution, a phony calling card
But he yapped & yapped 'till he got slapped with a serious federal charge
[Chorus]
Now the judge denied him bail, and he fought back the tears
And he thought of Pleasant's beauty as they gave him 20 years
He said, "I'll go real peaceful like, I know I broke the law,
But I ain't no stoop so gimme the goop
'Cause I still got one phone call."
And there's goop all over the phone...
Track Name: Gator Hide
Alligator skins, crocodile hides, good ol' boys, and their Southern brides
City folk come for the lure of the bounty
But they don't come back 'cause the sheriff of the country is
Buford T. Jefferson Davis III
And I'm only here to warn you if you haven't heard about:
Gator hides- a sheriff's pride
Everglades mirrored shades
He's a good ol' boy but he ain't no good
He'll bust your head on a stump
Just like splittin' wood
Got a story of his own though he ain't askin' for pity
Saw his folks shot dead for twelve dollars in the city
So Buford was orphaned by the city at ten
Got a chip on his shoulder the size of Gentle Ben
(CHORUS)
Hunted 10,000 islands, drank 10,000 beers
Wanted 10,000 dollars, got 10,000 years
So I drank myself blind, on a homemade solution
As my body rots away in a penal institution
So if you come for the gators let me give you a clue
The shefiff of the county's got it in for you
Track Name: Play That Country Tuba, Cowboy
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, play that country tuba.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Well musicians' stories have made the rounds
about traveling bands in red-neck towns but for tuba players this has got to be a first.
This one starts like they all do
I'd been traveling hard for a day or two and I stopped into this joint to quench my thirst.
Up walked this big mountain man
said, "What'cha got there? A garbage can?"
and I said, "Excuse me, that's my tuba, if you please."
He said "Great play a country song
so me and my buddies can sing along" and I told him I only play with symphonies.
He slammed his fist and spit out his beer and his body language made it very clear this wasn't going to be just another B-flat day.
That's when he cocked his thirty-odd-six and boy, I let out with some country licks I'd never thought I'd hear my tuba play.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, play that country tuba.
play that country tuba, cowboy.
Well after a while I ran outta air
and I figured I'd better get out of there so I grabbed my horn and headed for the door.
Just about then I felt a lasso
wrapped around me and my tuba too
and they yanked me back and 'ey hollered "More man more!"
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Play that country tuba, play that country tuba.
Play that country tuba, cowboy.
Track Name: Complain
Some people must have.
Some people have not.
But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.

Some people will work.
Some simply will not.
But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.

Like this: It’s society’s fault I don’t have a job.
It’s society’s fault I am a slob.
I have potential no one can see.
Give me welfare. Let me be me!

Hey, Bud, you’re livin’ in the Land of the Free.
No one’s gonna hand you opportunity!

Some people must have.
Some never will.
But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.

I don’t have a house. I don’t have a car.
I spend all my money getting’ drunk in a bar.
I wanna be rich. I don’t have a brain.
Just give me a handout while I complain.

Or this: I wanna stay in bed and watch TV.
Go out weekends in a limousine
And dance all night takin’ lots of drugs
And wake up when I wanna.

Hey, Bud, you’re livin’ in the Land of the Free.
No one’s gonna hand you opportunity!

Some people will learn.
Some never do.
But they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.
Yeah, they’ll complain and complain and complain and complain and complain.